So I Walk in My Own Shadow
by Degan
Summary: Heinkel's last thoughts in a frantic battle while down to her last two clips. R&R please.


A/N: For my sanity, I only put Heinkel's accent in when she is speaking.

Insert redundant disclaimer here.

* * *

The revelations of life come at the most unusual times. 

So of course that it makes sense that mine would come during the last moments. When else would I have had one?

I look around, seeing the horde of ghouls approaching me. Yumie is close to sixty meters away, she'll never hear my call for help. I've only got two clips left plus the two mostly spent ones in the pistols at the moment. Fifteen rounds total for each gun.

Leaving me about sixty rounds short.

Damn Maxwell. I told him we'd need more ammo.

I suppose now is a good time to make my confessions, seeing as how I might not have a second chance.

I have lived a lie for twenty-five years now.

People see me and think I'm a cold, heartless killer, happier when I'm snuffing out heretics or destroying the abominations of God's life. Well, I do enjoy it, but that's not what I am. I am a woman, I had things that I dreamt of having as a child.

A husband, a family, a house in the country where we could live happily.

And then vampires took it from me, and only one person saved me. Alexander Anderson. I followed him back to the Vatican, and requested a place within the Iscariot Organization, taking Alex's place since he was requesting a sabbatical. I took on the dress of a priest, hiding my eyes behind those damnable glasses to keep people away.

So I walled my heart away. So many people I've hurt, left behind in my quest for revenge. It was easier not to care. Only Yumiko and Alex have managed to break through it, since they are both in the same situation as I am, people posing as people of the cloth so as to hide our true natures.

Alex, the immortal regenerator, loosing his control at the mere sight of vampires.

Yumiko, the split-personality berserker, my best and frequently only friend.

Yumie, the other half of Yumiko, my partner in the things we do at His Holiness' request.

Enrico Maxwell, our boss, someone who has become almost like a brother to me in the years I've worked under him.

Father Renaldo, our liaison to the Vatican main offices. You know, I don't think I've ever heard his last name.

And me, whatever I am.

The slides on my pistols, John and Peter, lock back. I slide the last two clips in and continue shooting at the ghouls approaching me.

I don't know when I lost who I was, if it was when I joined the group or if it was when I went to rescue Yumiko from the terrorists. Could it be after the Russian terrorists attacked the church in Berlin? The cultists that attacked the Vatican?

Those times fighting alongside Hellsing and their damned pet monsters?

Any other of a hundred missions that we've gone on?

I don't know. But I've become the polar opposite of what I was all those years ago. Now the shadow I've created covers my life, people expecting the cold and deadly Heinkel over who I truly am. So I walk in my own shadow, not even bothering to dispel the gloom that I have created myself.

I know I only have three rounds left in Peter, the pistol I carry in my left hand. I drop the other and watch as the ghouls close in around me. I shoot two more, and then look around. My last view of the Earth.

I shall miss all of you, my friends.

My family.

I close my eyes and kneel down, crossing myself.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not vant. He maketh me lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside still vaters. He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for His name's sake."

I place the pistol against my temple. "Ye, though I valk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil; for Thou art vith me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; You anointeth my head vith oil. My cup runeth over vith the blood of the Slaughtered Lamb."

I lift my head slightly and open my eyes, tears dripping down my cheeks. "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I vill dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

I cock the hammer back.

_Shlick_


End file.
